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RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
At least he brought enough for everyone
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro