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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Breaking news:
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense