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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
HR: In accounting
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then