🤣🤣🤣
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John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
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“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
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It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
Friday is National Bubble Gum Day but I chews not to celebrate it.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I am patiently waiting for your email
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.