🤣🤣🤣
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Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
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I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Just got to our Airbnb!
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[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“I wouldn’t.”
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Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.