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people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.