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Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
