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Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
