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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
They grow up so quick
Meowchelangelo
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Hank is one in a melon.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
What is going on? 😅
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show