🥴😂
You Might Also Like
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars