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Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
From Facebook just now…
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
u spoke cat all this time??????