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If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Oh my God.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction