You Might Also Like
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass