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NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.