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BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?