¯_(ツ)_/¯
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Best table by far
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!