ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

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[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”


Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?


No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this


You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both


*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”


Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset


I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying


[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous


A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.