@m1ss_chief
@donnie_fairburn [Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
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@donnie_fairburn 
@Ivsy01 Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
@Amusitr0n No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
@maryfairybobrry You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
@LukewSavage The Onion called it…again.
@EndhooS *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
@girlontapas Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
@AZHORSEMOM77 I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
@sploosk [slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
@BoomBoomBetty A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.