”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Catering service
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.