┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
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If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?