♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Respect
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by