♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
True.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes