♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
the prophecies have been fulfilled