♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
You Might Also Like
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.