♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Awesome parenting 😂
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes