♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”