♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I don’t get marriage
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”