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BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
the icebreaker
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less