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Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine