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IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
britain’s three elite institutions
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.