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If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
What’s a Messi?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
The “baby” on the left….
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*