馃崨
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Her: What鈥檚 your type?
Me, flirting: I don鈥檛 really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
This meeting could have been a cake
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Me: it鈥檚 better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you鈥檙e only two! what does that mean?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I am a gravy boat captain
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.