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“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Me buying fruit and veg
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.