🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
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my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…