🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
You Might Also Like
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”