🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
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Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.