🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
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Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
set yourself free xox
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.