🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
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[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
quarantine day 3
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.