🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
You Might Also Like
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Please do it!
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.