馃幎 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 馃幎
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I鈥檓 looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids鈥’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it鈥檚 going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Oops I deleted….
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If I鈥檝e learned anything from children it鈥檚 that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like