🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?