🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
lol
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?