🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
what are they serving at kfc then???
yes… yes…
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”