🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?