🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
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If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”