🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking