🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
apparently this year was written by stephen king
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
They got Raph!
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.