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The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda