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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
When you’re here for the treats.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Well, this explains it:
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.