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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house