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Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
me opening up to someone
“You drive, I’m tired.”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?