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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
smh
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Love this guy
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
What the hell happened here.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.